


?????

by CatCas



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 18:04:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21531067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatCas/pseuds/CatCas
Summary: Hey guys! So this is my first fic ever. I'm going along with it as the story moves along. I don't know how many chapters there will be for that reason. I also don't know how often I will post each chapter so I apologize. Please do comment below and leave suggestions/advice. I welcome criticism with open arms. I hope you enjoy!





	?????

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So this is my first fic ever. I'm going along with it as the story moves along. I don't know how many chapters there will be for that reason. I also don't know how often I will post each chapter so I apologize. Please do comment below and leave suggestions/advice. I welcome criticism with open arms. I hope you enjoy!

"When’s the next turn?" 

Dean asked his brother, stifling a yawn. He couldn't help it. They've been on the road for what has seemed like a week straight, jumping from case to case. After surviving all those zombies in the cemetery, a few simple cases seemed like the best way to clear their minds.

It's not like they were trying to put off figuring out how to deal with Chuck, they needed a way to take out their anger without hurting those around them. So a ghoul here and a Wendigo there seemed like a good idea. It gave them a chance to rest, in their own odd way, but also helped them train for what was to come.  
Sitting in the Impala was a sort of comfort for Dean. He tried to keep her as clean and in shape as he could. She had been beat and damaged so much over the years, but he managed to fix her up thanks to the lessons from his father. No matter what happened, Dean would always be able to turn to his Baby for comfort. She was one of the few things in his life that he was sure would always end up ok, or as ok as anything possibly could be that is. 

One thing that never ceases to amaze Dean is the smell of his car. No matter how banged up she got, that smell always seemed to stay. There really wasn't a good way to explain it. The smell is just what the car is. The only way he could describe it was a mix of leather from the seats and a slight smell of gas from what has to be a damaged tube. No matter how much he tried to fix it in the past, he could never find the cause. Maybe that was meant to be part of the charm of the car? Dean doesn't mind though because it's become one of his favorite smells over the years. It helps to calm him.

"Dean? Are you with me?"

Sam was staring over at Dean, concerned. Dean asked him where they were around half an hour ago. While Sam answered and got a grunt in reply, that wasn't out of character for the older Winchester. He didn't think anything of it. So they sat in silence for a little bit before he tried getting a couple of sentences in, again getting a grunt here and there. Ok, that was a little odd. Dean would normally make a smart remark somewhere in the conversation. But he didn't. So Sam started talking about Cas, Jack, their mom, Chuck, really anything to try to get a rise out of Dean (including admitting to spilling some beer in the car a couple of weeks ago while Dean was rummaging through the trunk for who knows what).

Sam was, again, met with silence from Dean. This wasn't exactly like him to be this quiet. Normally Sam could read Dean's facial expressions. Not this time. This time, Dean had a blank stare on his face. His body language wasn't showing any emotion either. He's a literal rock. Sam doesn't know if he should be worried or impressed given recent events.

"Dean!"

"Huh? What? Why are we yelling?"

"Dean, what's going on?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you remember what we were talking about?"

"Yeah, I asked you how far we were."

"Yeah, and how long ago was that?"

"What? Like 2 minutes ago. Why?"

"Dean, no. That was almost 40 minutes ago. I told you that we were about halfway through Indiana, near Greenfield. You just grunted at me, and then nothing, no matter what I said. You want to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Dean. Come on, man." 

"Nothing, Sam. I'm fine. Where are we now?"

Sam sighs in annoyance, loud enough so that Dean could hear. Nothing. Again. Maybe he's just going deaf from all of their encounters over the years.

"Well, we're still in Indiana. We're near Mt Auburn this time, about half an hour away from the Ohio state border."

"Ok."

"What did I just say, Dean?”

"Mt Auburn, half hour from Ohio."

"Ok, good."

They sit without saying anything, only music playing so that they're not in complete silence. Sam just stares out the window, watching the trees go by. Their leaves have just begun to dry out and go brown, little by little. Just about every tree is a mix of green, yellow, orange, and red. He watches the fall breeze take some of those leaves and blow them a ways from their home. He almost forgets the events of the past month. Almost. 

The music changes and it's a simple, quick instrumental start. 

_If the stars fall down on me, and the sun refused to shine._

The lack of conversation causes a flood of scenes to fill Sam's mind. The pyre that was left smoking after his mother's funeral is the first thing he sees. Dean and Sam lock Jack in the Ma'lak box, but fail to keep him inside. 

Sam's emotions are starting to surface.  
He tries to stop his brain, but can't. 

_Let the voice of reason shine, let the fires vanish for all time._

He runs to stop Dean from killing Jack, making it just before Dean tosses the gun. 

_God's face is hidden, here unseen. You can't ask him what it all means._

He sees himself yelling at Chuck, demanding answers, demanding that he claims responsibility for all that has happened. Dean joins in. He thought this was something that needed to be said, something that was a long time coming. 

Perhaps he was wrong.

**SNAP**

Blinking back tears, Sam once more sees Jack on the ground, dying.

_He was never on your side. God was never on your side._

Cas is immediately trying to stop it, even though he knows that he is not powerful enough to do that. Sam picks up the gun and shoots Chuck, missing his heart. He’s a great shot, so why did he miss? Was Chuck doing something to protect himself? Did he lie about the weapon? Did Sam have second thoughts last second? Did he miss on purpose? 

"Fine! That's the way you want it? Story's over. Welcome to the end."

Then darkness. All Sam can see in his mind is Jack's lifeless body on the ground. His wings are burned into the ground. The last thing Sam sees from that memory is Jack's burned out eyes.

_Let right or wrong, on our own decide. God was never on your side._

The song continues, but the memories cease. Sam doesn't realize he had begun to cry until he feels the tears spill over. He scoffs. What an ironic song to play right now. He looks over at Dean who's drumming his thumbs on the steering wheel along to the song. His eyes are red, but there are no tears. Sam doesn't say anything to him. He knows when his brother needs to be given space, and this was one of those times. He goes back to staring out the window, trying to focus on the people going by.

“Sam!” 

Dean practically yells into his ear as he slaps his shoulder. He must have dozed off because he does not remember the car being parked.

"Where are we?"

"Eaton, Ohio, about 15 minutes from the border."

"Why'd we stop?"

"I don't know about you, Sammy, but I'm hungry and need to eat."

Fair point. It is dark out now anyways. They'll have to call it for the night too. Hopefully.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 7."

"Where'd you stop?"

"Some little diner I saw along the road. They're supposed to have good burgers, but I'll be the judge of that."

Sam chuckles. If there's anything he can count on, it's his brothers stomach.

"Don't worry, I made sure they had rabbit food for you."

And there's the sarcasm. Sam just rolls his eyes and gets out of the car to head inside.

Sam is sitting in a small booth, quietly tapping away on his laptop. He's been sitting there for about 20 minutes by himself. Dean went ahead to check them into the hotel next door. It took some convincing to get him to settle down for the night. Normally, Dean wouldn't mind cutting the night short, in fact he usually suggests it. Dean sure loves to sleep, but his lifestyle, his job means that he has to wake up and bolt in a moment's notice. Not this time though. This time, Dean didn't want to stop. He wanted to keep going. Yeah, they were a few hours away from the town they were going to, but Sam can only handle 3 hours of sleep a night for so long. 6 days straight (God, has it been that long) is his breaking point.

Sam had been staring at his screen for almost 10 minutes when he heard the bell on top of the entrance door ring. He looks up to see Dean finally making his way to sit down. It's a relatively small diner so it doesn't take long for Dean to make his way to Sam's booth. Sam is sitting in the last booth, 4th from the door. Sam finally takes in his surroundings while Dean makes his way over. He was so set on coming in and getting something to eat since he hadn’t realized how hungry he was. It’s actually not a bad place. It’s been surprisingly well kept for a place that’s been around since the 80’s. The tiles on the ground were an interesting blue and white checkered pattern, not your typical black and white that you would imagine. But the countertops, the tables, the chairs, it was all something straight up out of a movie. The waitresses even kept to the dress code from when the diner originally opened. Sam looked over at the girl behind the counter and made eye contact with her. She was pretty. The pastel pink dress with the green apron seemed to fit her well. Her hair was pulled out of her face and into a messy, yet somehow neat, bun. He smiled at her but didn’t maintain eye contact. Instead, his eyes went to the two arcade machines sitting in the opposite corner of the diner. Those looked more worn and like they actually could have been bought in the 80’s. Ms. Pac Man? Duck Hunt? Dean might get a kick out of that one. Sam contemplates challenging Dean to a round or two at that one. 

Dean looks utterly exhausted and defeated. It takes him longer than it should to cross the short distance. Sam decides against challenging Dean to the game tonight. Maybe he can convince Dean to go to bed earlier tonight and shut off his alarm so he can get some real sleep. That might be a bit tricky; Dean might be a heavy sleeper, but he could wake up in the most inconvenient times. He has amazing timing like that. Maybe he wasn’t as deep a sleeper as he claimed.

"Took you long enough. Everything ok?"

"Yeah, got our stuff in our room."

_Is Dean slurring his words?_

"Ok. You gonna eat?"

"In a bit. What you got?"

"So I think we got a case in Aurora. I've been trying to look into the police database to see if I can find something."

"Anything?"

"Just that it's at the Geauga Lake Park."

"A park? Really?"

"No, Dean. It's an abandoned amusement park."

At this point, Dean had gotten his food after it took him an annoyingly long time to decide between which burger to get. It's all basically the same: bread, meat, veggies. Whatever. As long as it keeps him occupied and somewhat content. Plus he needs to eat a full meal right now. They had been living off of granola bars and chips for the past 2 weeks.

"Ah, ok. That sounds a lot better. I was not about to go face to face with some demonic child's ghost."

"Relax, no ghost kid this time. But you will get to deal with some ghosts it seems like."

"Ugh, of course."

They had just finished taking care of bloody Mary and the lady in white a couple of days ago finally. They saved the lady in white as the last of the released souls since she was their first case after Sam and Dean started to look for their dad, the moment that started the roller coaster that was their life. It was a sort of nostalgic event for them. They assumed it would be easiest to take care of them, and they were right.

As easy as it was for them to deal with the ghosts, they had their fill for a while. Who knows, maybe this will be easy as well. Maybe Sam is getting his hopes up too much again. He'll put his search on hold for now while he waits for Dean to finish his food. It shouldn't take much longer. Dean is almost done, and the man eats his food terrifyingly fast. Sam will finish his research in the hotel room.

It was close to two in the morning when Dean had finally come back to their motel room. Sam had gone back there around 9:30 since his tiredness was catching up to him after he ate as much as he had. Sam was still on his laptop, though he was blindly scrolling through the webpage he was on at this point. He had given up on reading about half an hour ago when he realized that he had been reading the same sentence over and over for 10 minutes.

"Where were you?"

"Out."

"I can see that."

"I went for a drink."

"Dean," Sam started, slightly worrying about his brother. Dean ignored him and started heading for the bathroom.

"Want to talk about what's been bugging you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Dean you haven't drank this much in years. It's past two in the morning. You're slurring your words, something you haven't done in years, which makes me worry about how much you've actually had to drink tonight. Want to tell me what's going on finally?"

"Nothing."

"Dean-"

"Sam, stop. I'm fine. I just," he sighs heavily, like he has a 50 pound weight on his chest. "I'm fine.”

He goes to the bathroom as he finishes that sentence, hoping Sam would just drop the conversation by the time he comes back. He knows his brother better than that though.

He comes out of the bathroom to see his brother sitting on his own bed, staring at him with this weird look on his face, like he was upset but worried at the same time.

"What now, Sam?" Dean asked, starting to get annoyed. He hates when he's forced into these conversations.

"Talk to me, man. We have been on the road for a week straight, getting four hours of sleep at most each night. We've killed almost every monster that was released again last month. You've been drinking your body weight in alcohol, and then some, almost every single night since the whole Chuck fiasco. You're barely talking. I'm getting really worried. Cas is worried. You snapped at Cas when he tried asking if you were ok. Now he’s gone again and not answering calls or texts. I thought you two had talked about Chuck and mom."

"We did, Sam. We did, about two and a half weeks ago."

Did he know about their fight? About what was said? He couldn’t have otherwise he’d be dead by now.

"Then what's going on?"

"Nothing. Just drop it!" Dean practically yelled at Sam.

Sam just sat in his bed and stared at Dean. He will cave and talk eventually. 

Dean sat down on his own bed and sighed.

"I don't know, man. We just got mom back. We just fixed things with her. She was doing just fine. Then J-. Then she died."

Dean knew that it wasn't entirely Jack's fault that Mary died. He had come to terms with that. But it was the fact that it was by Jack's hands that she is now dead that's making it a little harder to get through.

"Then a few days later, we lose him too. I realize it wasn't completely his fault. I should have listened to him, given him a chance to talk. I didn't. I reacted with my emotions. But she was our mom. How else should have I reacted? I still should have listened to him. I should have forgiven him then and there. None of this would have happened. You were right, Sammy. He is family. He's family, and I just turned my back on him. And then there's Cas. The man has been with us through everything. He's been there for us countless times and I wasn't there when he needed me most. I should have listened to him to help protect Jack. But now? Jack's dead because of me, because I was selfish. Cas is god knows where. Chuck is plotting who knows what. This is all my fault, Sammy."

Sam wasn't sure what to say to his brother to help him get through this. Yeah, he's seen his brother upset before. He's saw him at his lowest when Cas died. But this? This isn't just sadness. This is guilt and anger mixed in as well. 

"Dean, none of this is your fault. Jack didn't have a soul. He wasn't able to keep control of his emotions and think properly at the same time. You were able to help him in so many ways. But honestly? A part of me feels like that wasn't truly him that did any of that. After what happened with Chuck, I wouldn't be surprised if Chuck was really the one pulling the strings. Mom was a mistake. Jack loved her too and he would never have done something to hurt her on purpose. And Cas? He knows that you need some time to yourself, but he won't be waiting forever. You need to call him and apologize and just talk to him. Cas might understand, Dean, but you need to talk to him. It won't get better if you don't. You need to talk and get everything out. He will listen, but you also need to remember to listen to him, too. You owe him that much after everything you two have been through, after everything he’s done for us. Chuck? He lied to all of us. He fooled everyone. He played the victim, probably the whole time. The stories he wrote? Once they were on paper or his computer screen or whatever, it became 'the word of God' and it had to play out. Who knows if we've had a say in what's happened at any point of our lives. He talks ‘free will’ and letting us decide our own fate, but think about it. Is that really the case?"

Dean just laid in his bed. Sam had been pacing through his attempt to calm Dean down and didn't notice when he went to his own bed.

"Dean?"

Nothing.

"Dean."

Dean just grumbled something and rolled over. Sam snorted. Leave it to his brother to pass out feeling like he did. Sam ran his fingers through his own hair, having an internal debate on whether to wake Dean and talk through it with him, or let him sleep it off cause odds are that it's just the alcohol making him feel worse than he really is.

Sam sighed and sat down on his own bed and grabbed his laptop. He tried continuing his research, but he found himself struggling to stay awake. He saved all the tabs on his screen just in case they got lost and shut down his laptop. He looked over at his brother, concerned because he hadn't moved or made a noise in a long time. Of course that's when Dean decided to snort and startle himself. Sam just rolled his eyes, turned off the light, and rolled over. 

It took him a while to fall asleep. His mind had started to go through past events again. This time, however, it was his own mistakes and failures. Just as he managed to start to drift off to sleep, he saw Kevin die, watching his eyes burn out sort of like Jack’s. He didn't know if it was a leftover memory from Gadreel, or if it was his mind fabricating the death from what he'd heard from Dean. Before he could reason through it, he slips into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
